Things to Think About

Things to Think About

I planted some bird seed.

A bird came up.

Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once

-- or twice.

I went to San Francisco .

I found someone's heart.

Now what?

Protons have mass?

I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove

that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place,

men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift?

Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible . . .

and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home

and, when he grows up,

he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left

when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists:

they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height

-- which varies.

I used to be indecisive.

Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure,

how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,

and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination,

or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

CLICK ON PIC

Check out this website with about a million things to think about!

The Best George Carlin Quotes, Jokes and lines from his stand up comedy routine and books

More funny George Carlin quotations: PAGE 2

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

What's all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? " She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes)

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all? "

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

And here are some ponderable thoughts from Ron Newborn:

*PONDERISMS*

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

* Life is sexually transmitted.

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

* Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

* Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

* Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?

* If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but
when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

* Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

*Things to Think About*

	I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I had amnesia once -- or twice. I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what? Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible . . . and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. How can there be self-help "groups"? If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
	CLICK ON PIC Check out this website with about a million things to think about!
	The Best George Carlin Quotes, Jokes and lines from his stand up comedy routine and books More funny George Carlin quotations: PAGE 2 If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? What's all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions. If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes? The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? " She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. What if there were no hypothetical questions? If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all? " What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
	*And here are some ponderable thoughts from Ron Newborn:* PONDERISMS * I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. * Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. * The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. * Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. * There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. * Life is sexually transmitted. * Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. * The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. * Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. * Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. * Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? * Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. * All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. * In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. * How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? * Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" * Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." * Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? * If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? * Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? * Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? * If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? * If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? * Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? * Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? * Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? * Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? * Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?