'Tis the Season!
Christmas Shopping Ideas
It turned out to be a spamming commercial from the Prairie Home Companion website, but it does look like one of those frivolous things you would never consider buying for yourself or others . . . . . like fruitcake, for example.
Then it occurred to me that today is exactly 5 weeks to the day from Christmas Day, so for those of you who haven't made out your Christmas gift list, here are some things you might or might not consider for friends and family.
So, what else did you think this "essay" was going to be about? When you google "Christmas gag gifts," you get a lot of trash--mostly obscene or bedecked with crude language.
Don't get me wrong, but I think Santa just might put you on his "Bad little boys and girls" list if you seriously thought about giving or using this stuff.
Now this might come in handy for settling those mounting Christmas bills.
No kidding! I saw some of these at the checkout counter of my neighborhood Publix grocery store. They were in the $1 denomination, though, and were priced at $2.59--and the sign said they were really spendable.
So, I decided to check legitimate vendors and Christmas catalogs. All of the gifts below are bona fide items for sale on the Internet. Honest!
At 80, one of the oldest and most venerable of these catalogs is the 2006 "Christmas Book" of Neiman-Marcus department store in Houston. This year's featured gift suggestion is a BMW:
Just imagine the look on the face of your lucky friend who's going to get this 2007 BMW® Individual M6 limited edition Convertible on Christmas morning. He/she will travel to Germany to pick up the vehicle from the assembly plant. That thrill of his/her lifetime will be worth the $139,000 you plunked down to make their Christmas merry!
Don't have a budget of a couple hundred grand for this Christmas? Not to worry, there are plenty of cheaper gift items in this catalog:
The Yves St. Laurent "The Muse" satchel can be had for a paltry $1,895.00.
For your militant feminist friend or someone who's been through a recent non-amicable divorce. It's called "The Guy Knife-Holder."
For the person in your life with really bad hemorrhoids.
Cookie jar by Marquis de Sade. Can't you just see the delight of the kiddies who must behead this cute little animal and reach down deep into the body cavity to retrieve their cookie! And a Chihuahua to boot! That little bitty doggie wouldn't hold enough cookies to get a sugar rush.
Fake .30 cal bullet holes for your friends or family who reside in Birmingham and have been neglected by the drive-byers.
Stretchie sleeves with fake tattoos. This Celtic design in purple might just be the thing for your SHS buddy who loves purple but is a bit too timid to "go all the way" with the tattoo needle.
Salt & Pepper Shakers. What better way to instill such values as peaceful behavior, negotiation rather than violence and a love for the good old days on the frontier than to put these two utilitarian pieces of ceramicware on the table in front of the kids. Which one do you suppose is the salt and which one is the pepper? My guess is that the one on the left holds coarse cracked pepper--it comes out slower.
Just the thing to make the cute little tyke ugly and unappealing.
Now here's some stemware for the holiday festivities. The margarita glass on the left is just about the ugliest and most gaudy thing in the catalog. Would you want it to grace your bar? The martini glass on the right looks too complicated to handle. You put alcohol in it for heaven's sake, and it gets even harder!
Your medical record goes on this memory stick. This one's for serious consideration as much time we spend completing and updating our medical history on all those forms that are passed out to us on our many visits to the doctors offices. Just think of all the time we could save--time that we could spend reading those old, outdated magazines that litter the waiting room.
For the fun-loving people you know who play cards more than once in a little while. Jim (Holland): I don't think this would be good for your Rook nights.
Marshmallow Shooter
18" shooter has a washable plastic magazine. Comes with foam pellets and a starter bag of marshmallows. Get two--one for yourself and one for your arch-enemy combatants (grandchildren, for instance, ages 8 & up).
Question: What do you do with all the rotting, fungus-food spent ammunition scattered all over the house?
Classmates, keep your eyes peeled for other amusing gifts that you think ought to be included here and send your suggestions to Louis.